Hello. I am a family therapist so take a deep breath.. you don’t have a behaviour problem you have a relationship problem.

This is not about washing up but a lack of respect going both ways.

If you forgot to bring your wallet to see me and I took something from you. Would it help or would you think what a horrible not understanding *****.

Taking things off children to get them to do something isn’t going to motivate them. It generally angers them and they feel that lack of care.

You have been triggered into helplessness and have therefore perhaps tried to control her.

Breathe here too. This stuff is hard!!

Removing money to get to college isn’t the way. It causes her more problems.

You could start with kindness and compassion. You can give her time to do the jobs, if she doesn’t do them, offer gentle reminders without shaming. “Honey did you forget to wash up”..

You might get an “I don’t want to”. That’s ok, you can reply, “I know you don’t want to, its not the most fun job is it. I hate it too”. This conveys empathy.

You can also say learning to do the hard stuff is how we get to success. So I will help you. I am here for you.

Then you can then say “how about I help you get started, as getting started is the hardest bit”.

When you help children get started and then you let them carry on and tell them they did great, confidence builds.

When you show you are alongside them, supporting them to do the hard stuff, overwhelm decreases.

Over time, these jobs become automatic habits, they don’t even have to think too much about it.  Yes, it’s a bit longer at the beginning but you are teaching the skill of pushing through to get stuff done.

In life we have to do things we don’t want to. We get over whelmed and we forget.

Children are no different.

We can support children to do the hard stuff, reduce their over whelm, and help them remember and build it into a habit.

Did you ever feel cared for by being punished for forgetting or feeling over whelmed.

I know I didn’t.

I just felt shame and fear. Complying out of fear isn’t how we build responsibility or accountability.

Many have rushed to diagnosis when a parent asked about this stuff.

However it’s about being  emotionally available as a parent.

Many of us didn’t have great parents, they may have been critical or even abusive.  They may have been overwhelmed and felt helpless and got triggered and then projected their anger on to us. Creating shame which is  never a motivator.

I often suggest No Drama Discipline a book by Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson who will help you understand therapeutic parenting.

It will change your relationship with your child.  It’s ok to be tired, fed up and ask for help.

But it’s how you ask and support children that works.

Children grow up thinking “I never hear anything good”, then they shut down and don’t want to help you.

Notice tiny things she does well and feed this back.  “I noticed how hard you worked on your school work”.

Tell her you’re going to stop nagging about her getting up. If s/he’s not ready and misses the bus, they won’t like it, and it will teach them to get there earlier. Don’t over compensate by driving them in.

 Natural consequences work. If a child doesn’t want to do homework it’s their choice.

They will probably find a way following a detention. You don’t have to nag about it, notice your own anxiety here about them not doing well.

You can ask “do you want me to get you started?”

I hope this helps you help your child.

Trust me this way works, I do this work daily improving emotional availability, building struggling relationships and reducing conflict and power battles.

It does take time, patience and consistency though. Habits are built over time.

 It’s always a relationship problem. It’s not your fault if you found yourself tired and resorting to shouting.

We repeat the patterns if we don’t know how to do it differently.

When we model care and empathy, children feel it and they often return it. We pour care in to get  care out.

Parenting isn’t easy but with some work you can help children do the hard stuff. I have done this with partners too.

Eventually they get the hang of it.

Overwhelm exists and the nervous system says no.

I have asked for help when procrastinating, which isn’t too often now. It makes the world of difference.

I hope this helps.

Lets raise children up not pull them down and leave them feeling good enough.