Not feeling safe can impact so much of our lives.

We can feel so much shame about where we find ourselves after traumatic times.

The brain can go completely nuts and tell you to hide.

I woke up this morning thinking I should delete my linked in posts, that they’re stupid, and theres this over riding feeling to run and hide.

I can hear child hood voices of my mother, who when I went seeking connection, would tell me “shut up get out of my sight, nobody likes an attention seeker”

That little vulnerable girl still exists inside of me and new trauma has her wobbling more than ever.

However there is an adult here most of the time, who’s trying to steady her. It can be difficult for my adult self because she too has been traumatised and sometimes the whole of my brain goes off line.

I had a treatment yesterday, it’s not landed well in my body, but I am still here, still showing up.

Still trying to find my courage, despite so many wobbles. I keep reminding myself that I belong here, I can take up space.

It’s hard after ptsd wobbles. As I regulate, I am often aware of the huge swelling up of shame.

That says “I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be a nuisance”. Then it doesnt take long for grief to arrive, for a self that wasnt so shattered and didn’t struggle so much.

Today instead of deleting posts, I decided to just write about it.

I know I am not alone in the ache of wanting to be normal. I have heard it from so many trauma survivors.

The smallest things can be incredibly hard in a body that doesnt feel stable.

I will be using both my ice and hot tub this morning.

I decide to share openly, and theres always a worry that it will be professional suicide.

My posts don’t always get a lot of engagement but thats ok.

This stuff is messy, its can make people really uncomfortable but I refuse to hide.

I show up because I value connection, honesty, and if I can’t deal with uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be much of a therapist.

Its hard sometimes to know what’s working, the saying things can get worse before they get better springs to mind.

Have a wonderful Wednesday and say hello if your passing.

I could sure use some connection today. I know my body can struggle to tolerate it at times.

I am like a frightened rabbit at times, freezing and going into flight.

The world tells us just breathe but its really not so simple. It takes a lot of work to make sense of what my body and brain are doing.

My biology isnt right and thats the hardest bit at times.

Its messy but its ok to be messy.

Things I am grateful for

My hot tub
My fur babies who are coming back tomorrow
My colorful home
A job I love
My friends

I had some new little people here yesterday.

They loved my staircase and home, their delighted smiles were exactly why I chose a rainbow.

I never take the privilege of being trusted to support people for granted.

Theres plenty to be grateful for, despite the challenges of #ptsd.

I stay proud of me.