Grief and Relief
Good evening, I am writing nightly at the moment as I find writing to be therapeutic it enables me to reflect and put the feelings somewhere and make sense of my emotions. You could try it if you feel overwhelmed or just don’t know what do,.
I have decided to share my writing as we grieve because I don’t think we need to hide our tears and there is no shame in feeling sad or tearful when we say goodbye to a loved one.
Today we took Max to the crematorium, the neighbours helped us carry his coffin into the car and they all said how sad they were and what a wonderful dog he was, they also said how he couldn’t have had a better home, we did spoil our Max.
I was expecting to fall apart at the crematorium today but I was strangely calm and didn’t cry at all, hubs was the tearful one at this time, grief hits all in very different ways at different times.
The crematorium was in Warwickshire and we realised we were near Stratford Upon Avon and as it was a nice evening and we couldn’t face the motorway traffic we decided to head into Stratford and grabbed food for a picnic from Sainsbury’s.
As we sat with Little River our Sausage dog by the River in the sun we watched the rowers, the runners, the frisbee players the dogs chasing sticks and of course the lovers on benches. I felt quite calm and peaceful as we leaned up a tree in the sun watching the world go by.
I have always liked water and find it calming be it the sea or the river and watching life unfold on the river bank made me think, even though your heart maybe breaking life still goes on.
It also makes me realise how much life has been on hold for us with Max going blind and becoming unwell. We had stopped doing lots of thing because he didn’t enjoy going out and he was blind and didn’t enjoy being left alone either We have done less of the things we love and seen less of our friends too.
I think I have been grieving for months now as the Max we knew who was playful and full of life had slipped away. We were left with a depressed anxious dog who was struggling and sometimes he growled at me in confusion which broke my heart.
We struggled existing on 3-4 hours sleep for about 7 months because Max didn’t sleep at night The depression also hit me as I found myself losing my motivation through lack of sleep and I struggled with the helplessness that you feel when you can’t help. I would cry at not being able to give Max the sight he so desperately needed to live a normal life and I knew he was slipping further away.
I hoped he would find his way out of the depression and get used the blindness but sadly his physical health got worse very quickly and we never got to the new normal we hoped for.
So with the grief also comes relief today, as Max goes to Rainbow Bridge and is hopefully happy and pain free once more, we look forward to starting life back up again. To getting back our sparks and feeling bouncy instead of exhausted all the time.
The grief was lurking and as I bit into a strawberry on the river bank, I went to pass Max a strawberry because he loved them, it was then it hit me hard. I wouldn’t see Max ever again, we would never share a box of strawberries as we often did, as hubs doesn’t like them, it was our thing to do.
The tears flowed for a while before they settled down and I realise even if Max was with us he wouldn’t have enjoyed the outing because he was anxious not being able to see and we wouldn’t have enjoyed it much either as we tried to ease his anxiousness and worried if it was too stressful for him. Max had seizures if he became too stressed.
Grief is a strange emotion, you often think on birthdays and anniversaries you will be sad but actually you may feel very little, It’s the mundane the unexpected things that often brings the tears and the overwhelming feelings of loss. You never quite know when or what will trigger it. I think its like waves some are big and overwhelm you others are smaller and more manageable.
We are home now with a cup of tea and little River is snoring next to me its been a long day for a little legged Sausage dog.
Its exhausting being on the grief roller coaster and we will be on it for some time, going up and down without knowing when. There will be times we just want to stop and get off but that’s OK we just slow things down and take it all as it comes slowly and steadily we will get through.
We miss Max terribly but we also know life has to go on and we have a million memories and photos we will share over the coming months.
Tomorrow is a day with no commitments, I may bake a cake if I am feeling up to it but if not we will sit and do very little. Self care is so important we don’t feel lazy we except how we feel and allow it just to unfold in its on way.
No avoiding no stuffing the emotions down with food or busyness we grieve in our own way in our own time.
If you felt your own grief whilst reading our blog then take care of yourself and we send you all a big hug. I think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Tomorrow I will share what the last 7 months has taught me.
Good night my lovelies.